The Fragile Flicker of Life

In the past year, my family has been celebrating life -- many of the good things in life:  New marriages, an 80th Birthday, high school and college graduations...  When you have a family that spans 6 or 7 different states--it's an incredible feat to get together over the course of a 3-5 year span.  But in 2010, the Stoeckle clan gather twice in one year!  Two weddings and the patriarch of the family hit a milestone birthday!  And before the year was out a new baby was on the way too!  God is amazing with his love and grace.

While I have been savoring the memories and reliving special moments of the past year--I have also looked back on situations and experiences that seemed tragic—and at the time I asked the big question--WHY?  Through the years I recognize I have some answers or at least answers that make sense to me.  But there are pivotal moments in my life where I really didn't understand why such sadness was happening.  But I do have the eyes to see how having gone through the pain helped formed me into the person I am.


I see so much irony in the hopes, and dreams and worries I lifted in prayer have in some ways morphed into something completely different from the original intention...that's what I want to share in this blog entry.

Some highlights from 2010:

Boston Stoeckle's with Papa Don, all wearing the T-shirts he had made for the "reunion/wedding weekend!

Heather (Adam's girlfriend) and Adam's graduation day from Baylor University!

Jessie and Matt Stoeckle's March wedding!

Sara and Ryan got married June 12, 2010

MOH -- Jenna and Uncle Michael singing at reception

Air Guitars

Stoeckle Family Reunion Sara and Ryan Edition T-shirts

Da'  Boys!

May 27, 2011 Ryan and Sara proudly welcome Landon Lee Corl to the family!

Seeing our daughter become a mother, brought back so many memories of my days as a young mom.  I remember holding Sara in the hospital thinking...this is all I have ever wanted to be...a good wife and mother.  And the Good Lord blessed me with both!  With every passing day, as the stress of new motherhood eased, I found myself utterly and completely enthralled  with this little girl.  Joe and I thought we wanted at least 3-4 children, and our plan was to have them close in age...similar to my family with my own siblings.  That was our plan.


But God had a different plan.  And while God's plan is a perfect plan, it is not without pain or heartache.


We lost our first son when I was 28 years old.  Sara was a year old at the time of our loss.  He was our second baby.  

I went for my 20-week, 5 month check-up and my doctor couldn't find the baby's heartbeat.  An emergency sonogram confirmed what my doctor called the beginning of a late pregnancy miscarriage.  I called this miracle of life,  was now a fragile flicker of life...a baby we planned for, a baby we had dreams for, but a baby we lost.   

At the time, I didn't know that a lot of women miscarry--so while intellectually I became aware of this fact--I didn't find it a comfort.  I never really asked WHY we lost the baby, why it was taken away from us…I just believed that for some reason God must have needed another angel in heaven.  I was just anxious to get the “go ahead” to try to conceive again. 

My doctor mentioned that he had pathology results back from the fetus we lost.  (I hated the clinical term he used to describe our son).  I didn't recall that tissue from the baby was sent to a pathology lab for genetic testing.  


When he read the results to me, all I heard was this foreign medical mumbo-jumbo language...then he said our son was a “Trisomy 21” baby.  I asked him what that meant. He said, “Kathie, the baby you lost had Down Syndrome.”  


He paused so I could take in and absorb the information he had just given me.  Suddenly I felt as if he had taken my head into his right hand and just slammed it into the the back wall of his office.  I got dizzy and nauseous, and then started to cry. How can this be…I’m young, I have already had one healthy baby…does this mean I can’t have more children?  


While Joe and I went through the grieving process, we also went through extensive genetic counseling.  It was there we were told we had a 99% chance that we would NOT have another baby with Down Syndrome.  Because of our faith, I knew if we conceived and discovered we were going to have a baby with Down Syndrome, we would not terminate the pregnancy.  I wanted to be sure—I mean truly understand what it would mean if Joe and I had a baby with Downs, before we attempted to conceive again, I did a lot of homework.


Intellectually, I learned of all the various anomalies that were associated with a baby with Downs.  What I didn't know was how I would feel emotionally having a baby with special needs at birth.  I was being brutally honest...would we get looks of disappointment from others upon seeing our baby...or worse would there be pity?  Personally, I went through a great deal of soul searching.  If I was not up for the challenge, or had the courage to face the emotional aspects of having a baby with special needs, I didn't want to have more children.  


So after all of my research--I wanted to know first-hand how socially, emotionally, spiritually if I could handle this special blessing.  

So, I called the Down Syndrome Guild of Dallas and talked to mothers who have a child with Downs.  The moms were so generous in sharing their triumphs and challenges.  Our conversations on the subject were frank, honest, heartwarming and giving.  Talking with these moms and then reading an interesting essay on raising a child with Down Syndrome gave me a new perspective on parenting and prayer.

Emily Perl Kingsley wrote an insightful essay in 1987 entitled, "Welcome to Holland".  She describes in her essay about her experience of raising a child with special needs.  She equates it to planning a vacation to Italy.


 

While planning this fabulous vacation you do all of the research on points of interest, guide books, even possibly learning some Italian.  Finally the day comes to go on your vacation.  The plane takes off for this trip of a lifetime, and as the plane lands the flight attendant says, "Welcome to Holland"...the flight plan changed, and this is your final destination.
  

Ms. Kingsley goes on to say that while the flight plan changed--you weren't taken to some awful third world country, just a different destination!  And her point at the end of the essay is if you don't let go of the fact that the trip you dreamed of was to go to Italy, and never made it to Italy, all of your mourning would never allow you to discover the true beauty and wonderment of Holland.  

She happened to write this essay the year we lost our first son.  
The year we contemplated whether our family would remain small.  The year we prayed for God to give us the wisdom, courage and tools necessary to raise a child with special needs if that was His will for us.  

The year we trusted in God's perfect plan and conceived another baby.  

Fast forward a year later from when we lost our first son, I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy son.  Nineteen months later I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy, precious daughter.  

From my experience of losing a baby 24 years ago I have found I don't take new life for granted.  I know that I am more compassionate toward mothers AND fathers who experience a loss.  I also, ALWAYS stop and lift a prayer of encouragement and support for the moms and dads, sisters and brothers who have a child or sibling with special needs.

Oh, and remember I mentioned all of the prayers that I stormed heaven with requesting wisdom and courage to handle a child or children of special needs we might have been blessed with -- I believe Our good Lord gave me a very different opportunity as a mother and answered those prayers in a very different way, for a very different challenge--of which I will share in another blog entry.  


I want to share this video clip--I love this movie clip from Evan Almighty because it is an interesting perspective on how "God" (Morgan Freeman) explains how some prayers are answered:  

I Lasso the OPPORTUNITY that God blesses me with everyday!

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, ~ Jeremiah 1:5

When a Baby is Born, 

So is a Grandma!

On May 27, 2011 our oldest daughter, Sara became a mommy for the first time--making me a first time grandma.  She was blessed with a safe delivery, and a healthy baby boy, whom Sara and Ryan named Landon Lee. First, let me tell you he is perfect in every way!  


Every mommy has her own birthing story...and I am sure Sara will blog about how Landon entered the world on her "It's a Wonderful Life" blog:  www.saraandryancorl@blogspot.com 

In the wee hours of the morning, after a long labor and delivery
Sara and Ryan , while exhausted were elated with a healthy baby boy!

But for me...my thoughts are not so much about the birth, as it is on how I felt when she was in labor, and how I am feeling watching her as a new mother.

They say when a baby is born, so is a grandma!

...that's what I would like to share.

Sara was entering her final week of her estimated due date--during which time she had one false alarm.  As the "warm up" contractions became more frequent, and Sara became more and more certain the baby was coming any day.  While I wanted to just "pop" down to Pflugerville to be with her, I really felt I needed to wait for her request.

Sara is a third grade teacher.  She was now in her last week of school.  The door to her classroom that her room mom created for her during Teacher Appreciation Week explained it all!  Sara was so ready for her son to arrive!


As the discomfort of being pregnant increased--and the reality of delivery started to set in...Sara's tearful conversations and text messages to me gave me the sense she wanted me to be there with her.  I asked a dear friend (who happens to also be a grandmother of two grand-daughters) what she thought I should do...Jane and her husband Rick really encouraged me to "just go".  After my morning walk with my walking buddy Lori...she too said, "just jump in the car and go..."  Sara lives over three hours away from me--so it wasn't just "popping in"  it was a commitment to stay until the birth.  So, I texted her, "I'm coming!"  She called and said she was so happy I was on my way...so off I went.

So, while waiting for the baby to arrive, we spent the week packing up most of her classroom, read to her class, went shopping, had tea-time in the evening and went on brisk walks...just spent time together.  He husband Ryan was so sweet to not mind my visit--or he was sweet enough not to say anything!   
  

May 24, 2011

Sara's labor was long...as most first born babies are...but what took me by surprise was for 25 years, I have been the caregiver, the mom, the one who was there to give comfort to any of my children...but as she was admitted into the hospital to give birth...it was her husband by her side...as it should be...but I was really not prepared for the overwhelming helpless feeling that came over me--the need to be there with her.  But I let go...


Clearly the switch from "mother the caretaker" to "mother the adviser, supporter" is a role I have been in for quite some time with Sara.  She has been on her own since she left for college in 2004.  But from a medical perspective I think this role gave me a pretty good jolted as I saw her husband wrap his arm around my daughter to take her to labor and delivery.  I completely embrace that this is the natural sequence of nature and a new passage or phase of my life...this is the way it is suppose to be...I guess I surprised myself with how hard it was to not to be the one comforting her.  


You know, as moms, we take the kids to the doctor, dentist, specialist, surgeon...being involved with every decision (of course Joe was always involved too)...but my new role as mother/mother in-law is to step back and let go.


Well into Sara's labor, Ryan appeared in the waiting room and said "Kathie, Sara wants you."  Music to my ears!  So I spent over an hour with Sara while she breathed through "rapid-fire" labor...1 minute a part, lasting over 1 minute.  She was amazing...I left her as Ryan returned and the nurse started to prep her for an epidural.  


At one point, Ryan texted me that Sara wanted something out of her suitcase, specifically her eye glasses.  All of which were in my car.  I realized my purse (which had the car keys) was in the labor and delivery room.  As I tip-toed back to the room to retrieve my purse, Sara had already received her epidural, was laying on her side, wearing an oxygen mask, and crying.  That was the last image of Sara I had until I saw her with her newborn son.


Ryan texted us to let us know at 1:00am that she was starting to push--then we heard nothing for three long hours...At 4:10am we got the text that Landon had entered the world, after 3 hours of pushing.  When we finally received the OK to see the new family...the fatigue and crankiness we all were feeling in uncomfortable chairs and couches in the waiting room, dissipated--and euphoria replaced it!  Joe cracked open a bottle of champagne he had been chilling, poured it into everyone's plastic cup and he made a toast to Landon Lee Corl!

Getting the O.K. to see mother and baby...Kathy (Ryan's mom), Joe and I entered the room.  Kathy and Joe marched directly to Ryan, who was cradling his precious son...

But I had to see my baby!  

I hugged and kissed Sara...I wanted to wipe away the last image out of my mind forever of her crying while wearing an oxygen mask...so I could truly take-in the miracle of life that just took place.  


She looked up at me and said, "Mom, that was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life!  But isn't he so beautiful!!"

Now that I am a Nonna (grandma in Italian),  I am trying to make the switch from parent to...hmmm, to...well...I am not sure what, but I hope that I will embrace my new role in Sara's life with the same zest and passion I had when I became a new mother to "baby Sara"!


Landon Lee Corl was born into a family of love on 
May 27th (one day before his actual due date), 
He was born: 4:10am
He weighed:  8 pounds, 8 ounces
He measured:  20 1/2 inches long
He has a head of jet black hair

He has a fabulous mommy and a wonderful daddy! 

Papa Joe, Nonna, Auntie Jenna, Uncle Adam, Heather
Gigi, Uncle Evan
Gumpa Dave and Mimi 
were all waiting f-o-r  h-o-u-r-s in the waiting room!  But every second was worth it...to be there to see God's magnificent love for us!  The purest expression of love...a newborn baby!

Ryan, Gigi (Kathy Corl), Uncle Evan

Auntie Jenna and Uncle Evan

Uncle Adam and Landon

Papa Joe and Landon

Jenna, Sara, Landon and Nonna

God is so good all of the time!

I Lasso my first grand-baby--Landon Lee Corl


And Landon LASSOS my heart!

Good-Bye Dear Friend!

Our beloved dog of 16 years was put down on April 15, 2011.  


It was toughest decision we ever had to make.  

  

But he was confused, very weak, he stopped eating...I was so grateful to have Jenna with me when we took our sweet Pirate to the Vet.  The staff at Riverchase Animal Hospital were loving, gave us time with Pirate, even made a paw print for us that was later made into a ceramic plate with his name on it.  ...But I miss our smart, loving Aussie!  My husband put it in perspective for me...

"I miss the younger Pirate--the Pirate we are living with right now is not the same dog we adored over the years."  Don't get me wrong, we loved even this "old dog".  

But I am convinced that Ducati and Ellie gave Pirate another year of life.  These young pups brought a spring to his step. 

But when life was no longer a friend--everyone says you will know...and in our case that advice proved correct.  I saw it in his eyes when he laid by me the morning before we put him  down.  He looked up at me as if to say, "I am ready to go."  I not ready to let him go...but the decision came back to, "What's best for Pirate?"  We all knew it was time.  

That afternoon Pirate died in Jenna's lap very peacefully.  She was so good to him!  Jenna removed his collar, hugged him one last time and left the vet hospital.

Little Ellie didn't eat for almost three weeks after Pirate died.  She spent days and days looking for him in our bedroom,where he would  often retreated.  She also became a "Cling-on".  She knew something is different!  And I guess felt the need to be close to me--to feel safe.

I Lasso the deep love and affection I had for Pirate Boy!

  A Collector of Valuable Treasure!

Spring is in the air! The signs of spring have shown up with the explosion of the state flower, Texas Blue Bonnets, and I have commenced spring cleaning.  Well, actually, that's not true...I was forced to organize my closet, because we were in the process of replacing our bedroom carpet.


In order to prepare for carpet installation it meant removing everything that sat on the floor of our respective closets...under our beds, and the organized piles we have in various corners of the room.


Before I talk about the treasures I discovered, I would like to first interject, that when my mother passed away 10 years ago, my siblings and I were asked by my dad to go through her possessions.  My dad asked us to take what was meaningful and donate the rest to charity.


I remember coming across several beautiful hankies, and next to the hankies I found some very special pieces of paper that were carefully folded and placed in her small lingerie drawer. As I unfolded a few pieces of yellow, worn Big Chief Tablet paper, I recognized a few of these letters written in pencil had my handwriting on them.  What I discovered was that my mom kept little notes from all six of us.  

Sara used my Mom's hanky around her bridal bouquet as her "something old"!
Ooohlala Floral did Sara's wedding flowers, look for her blog in my listing!

Sara's entire bridal bouquet

My mom with her kiddos

Several of the notes were apology notes to her...and one was just a "Thank you for being my mom" letter.  Reading the letters I wrote to my mother from my childhood--I felt a sudden closeness at that moment--I don't know that I could really recreate that feel again.


As I moved the tubs of "stuff" out of my closet, out from under our bed--each tub labeled with one of our kids' names on it--and while the beautiful carpeting was being installed I did it...Joe didn't want me to do it...he knew if I did it, productivity would vanish, but I did it, I opened the tubs in the middle of the living room floor.  Suddenly I felt like it was "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…"  as I came across TREASURES!  
First came the clay figures each of the kids made for me!

Clearly you can see a softball mitt with a place for a ring to sit (Jenna),
another beautifully decorated ring holder (Sara), and a Stegosaurus (ah, Adam)!

Next came the daisies...One year the Art Teacher had each grade level paint daisies.  Sara was a 5th grader, Adam in 3rd and Jenna a 1st grader...each grade level added different elements to their painting.

From Left to Right the artists:  Sara, Adam, Jenna

I found an eclectic group of treasures from years gone by...poems they made up, books they wrote, homemade cards they created, art work which all are still masterpieces...

I guess I expected these mementos would be more meaningful in my Golden Years...sitting on the front porch in a rocking chair reminiscing with Joe and grandkids about the early years of the Gautille Three.  But right now, in this moment, as I continue to experience the chaos of finding my role as a mother of a daughter about to become a mom, mothering my adult children living at home--moving from disciplinarian to observer of independence, from compliance to guidance--the tub of treasures reminded me that Joe and I did our job as parents for our children.  Now we move to the role of advisors to our three.  Letting go is hard.  I don't think I am doing it very well...but I continue to work on it!

I hope when our kids discover the 15 tubs of "stuff" we have saved neatly for each of them--they feel that moment much like I felt when I read my apology note to my mom for "sassing" her over a dress I didn't want to wear to a party--that rush of love.  I know that while I have made (and continue to make) many mistakes as a parent...I hope forgiveness will also overwhelm each of them for any hurts I caused them.

I Lasso the Magnificent Expression of Love
Preserved in Tubs!

My Big, Wonderful Family...Sort of!

My Stick Family from WiddlyTinks.com
 I Lasso all my blessings!